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Cute, crazy, punk foxie with random crap on his mind.

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lol I never use this thing May. 5th, 2008 @ 12:59 am
Need to bump my latest drama post.

I FINISHED LIKE MOST OF MY WORK so life from here on out will be all SUNSHINES AND UNICORNS and crap :3

Seriously. I'm thinking of transferring school to somewhere that doesn't suck and take up a new major in computer stuff and uh be not miserable and around my friends instead of being isolated in goddamn Vermont

Yeah. This is a step in the right direction.

Right now I am full of ramen and thinking of sleeping.

My current thoughts (on life) Mar. 10th, 2008 @ 01:46 am
At first I was considering making this a short entry. But standing in the shower I realized that my mind is basically on auto-pilot and won't shut off. I have a lot of shit on my mind.

        All of this college reading is killing my creativity.

I have nothing against reading. But this is just TOO MUCH. I can't read 3 books in one week. I just finished All Quiet on the Western Front. Kind of an amazing book, actually. But I start to wonder if any of this shit is even going to matter 3 years from now.

        I'm 21 now. I'm not going to be young forever. I don't want to waste what few years I have left being "not old" wasting away in college.

        I am also single now. This is a good thing, though. We ended it on mutual terms and we're both better off for it now. And we are still good friends.

        I have so many things that are unfinished, and that really bugs me. Really high on my list is the demo I need to make for FA: United since I contacted them wanting to DJ for the event. They want it pretty far in advance and I keep putting it off and I'm running out of time.

        I just dropped off my broken-ass PowerBook to get fixed. For the 4th time AT LEAST. I plan on calling up Apple on Tuesday and just bitching at them. With luck, I may get a brand new fancy-ass MacBook Pro out of it.

        I also think I might be falling for Mordecai. Again.

        I need to find what makes me happy again. This is something that is becoming more and more difficult for me, because I am just so busy now there is very little I can think to do between assignments and papers that is enjoyable that doesn't seem like a waste of precious time.

        I want to do more "artsy" things because I am pretentious and care about my image.

        Why do I keep thinking about video games so much? I want to play them, yes. But it's also a matter of I want to play certain games cause they get talked about so often and I want to see what the big deal is about. Also, I have access to all of these games already. Just no time to play them. And that kinda annoys me.

I think that's it. This was a weird journal entry. But I had to sort of rant a little. Also I am an attention whore.
Current Location: naked
Current Mood: dook

HELLO SOMETHINGAWFUL.COM Feb. 19th, 2008 @ 10:42 pm
THANKS FOR THE FREE PUBLICITY TO MY RADIO SHOW WHICH IS LOCATED AT http://feeds.feedburner.com/Hulex

ME NECCO AND FLOE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME MURRING AND PURRING ALL OVER EACH OTHER AND ALSO NECCO'S BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP SOON ON THE 26TH YOU SHOULD GET HIM SOMETHING NICE

TYPING IN CAPS IS FUCKING COOL!!
Current Location: CAPSLOCK
Current Mood: CAPSLOCKCAPSLOCKCAPSLOCKCAPSLO
Current Music: CAPSLOCK - THE CAP LOCKERS
Tags:

College is slowly killing me Oct. 29th, 2007 @ 05:09 am
And driving me to the brink of insanity

I fucking hate babyfurs Oct. 25th, 2007 @ 04:45 am
Stay the hell away from me, freaks.
Other entries
» o hi
How's it going Livejournal? Me? Not much...


I ONLY JUST GOT MY FIRST EVER AAA ON A JAPANESE IIDX CS VERSION

Sightread of Bluemoon [Normal] on DistorteD CS. No big deal I know, but I was way too fucking excited about my first real AAA.


Here's a hi-rez version of the score screen.
Sep. 13th, 2007 @ 07:22 pm
» FA: United con writeup thing
I just got home, I'm tired, and out about $100 or so. So I guess overall it was a good con. The final number of attendees was like 310 or something, with like 25 fursuiters. Was pretty cool.

I met ChibiGriever who was...interesting...and delivered me the badge n did for me. It's actually like REALLY big :O Biggest badge I had gotten like that so far. Ultratails was there too, whom I had previously never met before. Was a little shy about saying hi or anything initially but the alcohol helped that.

I ended up getting a cute awesome badge done by Bonk I really need to upload :O Oh! I also got to hang out a bit with Fluke who is totally awesome and really fucking cute and totally stole my hairstyle >:| He had his own nifty little panel which was really the anti-panel since it had nothing to do with Fluke or his art. It was just like "okay let's all sit and talk about whatever for an hour". Kinda slow and boring at first, but it really heated up and got interesting and fun and stuff after 20 minutes.

The game room pretty much sucked. Just a single PS2 with like a handful of games and two dreamcasts and a bunch of tabletop games. They only had one Guitar Hero controller even. Of course I didn't care about it that much, otherwise I would have brought my own collection of stuff to share.

Forgive me if my typing is all over the place. Tired and been drinking a good part of the con.

I also got a sweet $1 badge by Gideon I had seen everyone else showing off that I needed to get. I found it funny he was all like "Hey you have a pretty cool character" considering he was scribbling me a badge with black marker on a piece of toilet-grade paper in 20 seconds.

Got to see Kalemika again after a bit of misunderstanding between us, haha. He's totally awesome and cool and adorably cute and we need to hang out and talk about music more together.

Nally was there as well and we certainly had our own little fun... :x Which reminds me...I have several interesting videos I need to toss up on youtube once I get the chance... >:3

Taren stalked me and was annoying as usual. But at least he's not denying his gayness anymore. So, props for that.

I got to have a conversation or two with Roxikat as well, whom previously had kind of freaked me out for some reason. Maybe it was the whole "guy in female fursuit with giant boobs anime kitty" thing. I dunno. But he's totally awesome and has the same goggles as me.

I hung out with Seth Otter a bit too, whom I've always wanted to hang out with more but have been kinda shy about. I think I really broke out of my shyness around fursuiters this con, seeing as I was socializing and hugging and petting like all of them, haha. Me and Seth were drinking a bit at the Red Dog Party (better red than dead, or so they said) and I totally got felt up by him on the dance floor. I kinda liked it too...a lot... :X Earlier on in the same party, I was also talking to some guy who, upon seeing my nametag, asked if I was Bluefox.

I don't think I've laughed that hard, while drunk, in a while.

This guy, whom I forget his name, apparantly knew Bluefox in person. Like, I'm pretty sure it's the same infamous one I know, but he was like "Yeah he claims to be straight when talking to me" which really fucking confused me, seeing as all he ever talks about is Linux and all the thousands of cocks he hasn't sucked but totally would. But then he was talking about OrangeBunny, whom I only know of from the porn he and Nek0gami draw of themselves. It kind of got me depressed. He explained that OrangeBunny, in real life, like WAS his fursona. Small, skinny, muscle-toned, incredibly cute, etc. He's mated to Nek0gami basically, whom is, by comparison...well...yeah >.> One lives in Florida and one lives in California. Apparantly this guy who was talking to me was like just having a conversation with him, and he asked what he did for a living. And OrangeBunny was just like, totally shocked, and was like "No one's ever asked me that before..." And apparantly he works with the mentally challenged and like Salvation Army and stuff. Needless to say, this guy could probably be with ANYONE he wanted, since he's more or less got everything going for him. The guy described his way of thinking as "Oh, you actually want to have a conversation with me? You don't want to just fuck?" It may have been a harsh way to put it, but I kind of thought, in my empathetic drunken state, that he had some kind of serious self-esteem issues growing up as a kid or something and become completely selfless or something, I dunno. But I was totally like "Oh my God....I need to go find him and like...give him a hug and like...go save him from himself! He deserves better than that!"

Ha...that was a particularly long rant I guess. But yeah, don't take everything I say as fact and go spreading this around. This is only what I heard, and how I reacted. ^^;;

MOVING RIGHT ALONG...

Kokoro and Taridium were there as well, of course, as was Cubsy, since she is basically with the "Nally group". Dramamine was not there, unfortunately, but I'll totally see him at FurFright :3 I also met Laumas, which I THINK is the right spelling. The name reminded me of this other bunny thing I knew on taps, but I guess it was a slightly different variation. Anything, this one was straight...or kinda straight. He was a little younger and totally cute, but really just fun to hang out with, as was the rest of the group.

Cubbi was there as well, as pink and drunk and Russian and adorable as ever, haha...

Sookta was totally awesome for the brief few minutes I got to hang out with him. I actually saw him more in suit than out of it, heh. Once I get back to college in Vermont, and if he's still up in Burlington, I've gotta visit him a hell of a lot more.

I saw JD puppy out of suit for the first time this con, as well, after seeing him at...well...every other con I had ever been to. In case you didn't know, JD is as adorable as he sounds in suit as he looks out of it. Even when he's gross and sweaty, haha. Another one I need to hang out with more.

I saw Preyfar too, I think, like really briefly, knowing him from the tons of art I have seen him in. lol hyenas

Spir was there as well! I had no idea who this was other than some random person that watched me on FA shortly after uploading my con badges. Spir was just like "oh hi I think I know you from somewhere" and I'm like "uhh...alright.." since this happens to me occasionally. But on like the first day of the con, this totally normal, sane looking girl walks up to me and says hi, wearing her home-made blue ears and tail. And then I realize it's the same person. I kind of do a double take, looking between her and the badge, which somewhat reminded me of her FA avatar and I was just like "Holy shit it's you...wait, you're a girl! Holy crap you're actually cool! Here, gimme a hug!" I saw her all over the place at the con, too. I really didn't do anything more than wave and say hi, but I guess I still didn't know her really well so I didn't have anything else to say ^^;;

The whole con was pretty sweet, in general. I certainly had a lot of fun with the post-it message board with, of course, the occasional 4chan memes or "sandwich" references. Not everything went totally smoothly though.

For one, after getting a bunch of alcohol for the room, Taridium pretty much just drank an entire bottle of Captain Morgan Tattoo, a bottle of really good delicious rum in one sitting. So I really just didn't get to enjoy much more than the small amount of Mike's that was split up among the room. A minor irritance but nothing more, really. He just owes me :3

The last night was kind of bleh, though, out of the whole con. I had gotten really drunk and was starting to feel kind down and lonely, possibly because..well...I was drunk, and the con was ending, and a lot of people had left already. Around 2AM I was starting to come down and be a little frustrated because I was really tired and just wanted to sleep but Taridium and the others rented a movie in the hotel: The Number 23. It was actually a really cool movie and I kinda wanted to check it out, but I also wanted to sleep. I ended up getting drawn into it and couldn't NOT watch it, so I ended up being even more frustrated when 4AM rolled about.

But that was just the one night. Nothing that's going to ruin a whole con :3

I THINK that pretty much covers it in general. I am way too ADD to do a full play-by-play con journal thing nowadays cause I'm so busy but this will satisfy the curious I'm sure, and maybe even add more in later. I got lots of pictures and scans and video to add in later.

There are others I met I didn't list, simply because they were quick encounters or I didn't really know them except for seeing them pass by once or twice. I swear to god though, ever con I go to makes me want to get a fursuit more and more. Like...I would just have so much fun and like, participate in like everything, haha.

Okay, that was like an hour of typing. I think I'm done here D:
Aug. 13th, 2007 @ 01:05 pm
» Obligatory
YES I AM FUCKING GOING TO FA: UNITED



So FA United is happening this weekend. It's like 45 minutes from my house so I'd be stupid not to go. However I really have no idea who is gonna be there or is planning on being there. So I'm just posting this to see who among my friends is going to this thing as well. Also, being an attention whore.

Also I should fucking use this more often. I kind of wanted to blog a bit about how Bemanifest and Anthrocon were. I took a few pictures and a tiny bit of video that I never got around to uploading. Somewhere along the way I became obsessed with building my dream PC which is now sitting in my room, humming softly and glowing it's warm, blue, calming light of awesome speed and power that WILL TEAR OFF YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF.

So yeah :x

Also I've been working at god damn Wal Mart which sure as hell makes me treasure my time NOT working at Wal Mart a hell of a lot more. My last day is the 22nd, and then that weekend I'm going back to college for my third year. This summer really flew by 3:

As of now I have videos to upload, furry things to scan in, stuff to write about, pictures to collect from people, a room to clean, and various other unimportant necessities.

Also Nair maybe :x
Aug. 7th, 2007 @ 04:39 am
» AIM List Pruning
Okay so lately my AIM buddy list has actually gotten FULL. Of course I know there are hundreds of people that either 1) I don't talk to anymore 2) I have no need to talk to anymore or 3) Haven't been online in like years and I assume have fallen off the face of the Internet.

Also i have way too many freaking friends on AIM anyway, and I'm trying to be on the internet LESS.

Basically, this is just a notice to anyone who still reads this that I have pruned my buddy list significantly. If you're reading this, you are probably still on there given I have talked to you online in the last...few months or so. Otherwise send me a friendly message if you think I may have accidentally deleted you. Or, even better, just IM me yourself.

I also don't use the screen name Hulex Chan anymore...ALTHOUGH I have been thinking of migrating back to it since tailsownsyou is just way too god damn furry, even for me, haha.

That's it for now. I'm putting off studying even more and I hate myself for it >:|

Also wow what an old song...
May. 14th, 2007 @ 02:36 am
» (No Subject)
USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST
May. 9th, 2007 @ 08:18 am
» There was a fire today.
Specifically, in the grassy, foresty part near where my car is parked for the Senator's dorms. How exactly did this happen? I have no freakin idea D:

I'm GUESSING some stoned/drunk college kids were like "oh lol it's 75 degrees out in the middle of the afternoon. Let's make a bonfire! :D :D :D"

Suddenly the flame were 8 feet tall and had spread a good deal. You could see the god damn flames from the dining hall like a quarter of a mile away or something. The flames were freakin huge.

We had pretty much every single firetruck in the area come by to put it out. This was at around 2PM so I think it's dead by now, but wow.

A bunch of people were moving their cars when I first saw it, so I was like "Okay, gonna grab my keys and see if I can get over there and move it. If I don't make it, you guys split up my video games amongst yourselves." However, there was a public safety guy over there that wasn't letting anyone pass, so we just kinda sat outside in the nice weather watching it burn.

Was a fairly interesting way to break up the afternoon, I'll say that much. I still have this freakin paper to do tomorrow >:|

I realize I haven't posted here in forever. I just don't care, haha. I've been so busy with work and being lazy and crap...also fuckin POKEMON

I got Diamond. Here's my friend code if you want: 1761 9224 4935

So needless to say I've been pretty busy. I got high last night as well and was being ridiculous and awake until 3AM playing Stepmania with my IIDX controller and other general bullshit.

I am REALLY looking forward to being done with school, hanging out with Taridium, Tru, and of course going to Bemanifest, Anthrocon, and all those fun little things in between.

I recently got an R4 card for my DS, which has been both awesome, fun to play with, and helpful, since I'm actually using the DSOrganize program to like keep track of all the stuff I have to do, and recording the dates for all the cons going on this summer. It's a nifty program :9

.hack//G.U. volume 2 for the PS2 comes out today. I really, really want to go out and buy it and play it but...yeah. Homework ;_; I also want to upgrade to a DS Lite with the power of ebay now that I'm playing it so often. With the combination of Pokemon and about 20 other pirated games, I'm gonna be playing this thing for a while, and I want it to fit in my damn pocket.

So there's a much-needed update I guess. Everything else is same old for the most part. Here's hoping I don't kill myself by the time finals come around :/
May. 8th, 2007 @ 03:36 pm
» Another backdated entry from Tuesday: Mexican TV
April 10, 2007
12:47 AM

So I'm starting to appreciate Mexican TV. It's pretty interesting. While I've been here, I've seen SPanish-dubbed versions of Fairly Oddparents, Power Rangers, some soccer anime show I've never seen before (with a song from Avex Trax!), Dragonball Z...probably a few more I can't think of.

With Dragonball Z it's really cool. They kept all the original Japanese music, the blood, the suggestive sexual moments, and the old, super-crappy 1980s VHS look, haha. Seriously, it looks and sounds really old and terrible, but it's rather amusing. The two episodes I saw I don't even remember seeing back when I did watch DBZ.

There are also a few shows or things I've never seen before. My younger brother watches a lot of MTV so I saw a few of Mexico's finest original programming, like Karaoke, some show where Mexican kids get together and, I guess, compete online, one-on-one with people singing the same song. People vote online for which one they like better and they have a winner. It's a just-for-fun show but the videos and people are real Internet people, and it's sometimes quite hilarious seeing people try and sing and/or dance who just never should.

Also on MTV things are just...different. A lot of their shows or promos are very Japanese. The mascots or whatever for the show are very Japanese-looking. And I've seen at least one commercial for like "hey download cell phone wallpapers" of some very hentai-ish looking girls. Like, it literally looked like screengrabs from some H-game or something. Don't see that back home.

Cartoon Network is almost entirely in English. It's one of the only channels we get that's like that. The only shows that aren't in English were the two anime shows I mentioned, and those are dubbed in Spanish. Oh, and no commercials. Also, everything is like...a year or so behind as far as programming goes.

There's adult swim, for instance. Their newest show they're advertising right now is RATON ESPONJA, or 12oz Mouse. And they're still playing the older better shows like Harvey Birdman: Attourney at Law, and Baby Blues. But yeah, DBZ and that weird soccer show were the cool ones.

I'm really freakin tired and should sleep now.
Apr. 12th, 2007 @ 11:03 pm
» Im really annoyed
I have like a minute before internet runs out on this fucking machine. Im really just annoyed and pissed off and kind of lonely and looking for people to talk to but I cant even do that, its driving me nuts.

So I guess Im going to play game boy now. Good night.

Mordy I really wanna chat
Apr. 11th, 2007 @ 12:40 am
» Which brings us to today...
I wrote a whole bunch of stuff here about walking around and trying to find my morning digestive aid pill thingy but it was just long and boring so I deleted it.

Uh...today we saw this Peacock like...right up close, like you could walk up and touch it kind of close. That was pretty nifty. Also saw some monkeys, which were very cute, and ended up doing this internet thing once it started raining outside.

The internet service, as I said earlier, is really, really crappy, and the wireless connection craps out all the time for no good reason, but at least it kinda works...

I'll continue to keep you guys posted on interesting stuff that goes on here without trying to bore you too much.

I'm feeling kinda tired... *yawn*
Apr. 8th, 2007 @ 05:00 pm
» "Welcome Back Jesus, Here's a Used Condom"
Sunday, April 8th, 2007
10:39 AM

I guess it's Easter Sunday. Got woken up around 8 or 9 or 10AM, I dunno, but still wanted to sleep, really, and I had done a lot of drinking the night before and I was still quite tired. Anyway...I got up to rinse with some water since I had forgotten my toothbrush and I didn't have one to use right in the morning. Then, went to go pee, and noticed I had a raging hard-on.

Uh oh.

Keep in mind I have been sick for almost a week, and during that time, I have masturbated maybe once, which is like...incredibly low for me since I usually end off my nights on a high note, if you catch the subtle innuendo.

So I was up a creek with a paddle and no boat I guess. The parents and my brother were heading down to the beach and grabbing me a toothbrush while I stayed here to sleep, but I KNEW I had to take care of this problem, and that it would not take long.

Fortunate for me, I had a few materials backed up onto my thumb drive and was able to load open them on my Dad's work laptop, haha...

Now, when I'm in a private setting such as a sleepover, campout, vacation, or I just don't feel like making a mess, I use my "stealth fap" method. I put on a condom, which has a little bit of lubrication already, and rub the slightly slippery latex over myself. Not as good without, but it works in a pinch. Pun not intended.

So I'm in the bed, having a wonderful time, I finish, collapse back, shudder and then, click, door swings open. I'm under the covers so they have no idea but holy crap, talk about a photo finish. My younger brother tossed my new toothbrush at me. I chuckled weakly and, still panting, replied, "Thanks." I know I sounded vaguely out of breath, but I don't think he caught it. And then they were back towards the beach.

It may not have been my proudest moment, but it was definitely an interesting and rather unusual experience for Easter Sunday.

I'd make a resurrection joke right about now, but that would be far too cliche.
Apr. 8th, 2007 @ 04:58 pm
» Cancun Trip Journal: Saturday
So I'm in this computer lab thing at this resort in Cancun Mexico. It's pretty cool, but the internet totally sucks. I'm just going to be brief here and copy/paste what I wrote up the other night recapping my first day here.


---------------------

04/08/07 Sunday
2:46 AM

Cancun Trip's Day One: Getting There, Exhaustion, and a few surprizes.

A lot to say here. I'm really tired and still quite a bit drunk I think, so, looking at the computer screen now the way I am, I dunno if I can eloquently type all this up like I wanted to. Instead I'll try to quickly summarize.

Felt like crap the night before when I had come home from Johnson VT, Friday afternoon. Thanks to delays the flying process took 4 more hours than it should have. Exhausted, was driven home, tucked into bed, fed a sleeping pill, and quite comfortably and rather unnoticably became unconscious.

We woke up the next morning and were out of there fairly quickly. To make a long story short and omit a bunch of dumb details, I got stopped for additional screening at airport security cause my bag had too many buttons and had too much metal crap inside of it. Got on the plane. I used the 3 and a half hours to fall in love with Final Fantasy V all over again on my DS. It's really easy to see because of the system it's so much more fun than IV. Got off the plane, got on the van, and, after about 10 hours of travelling, were in sunny Cancun, Mexico. Holy shit it was so warm and awesome n_n

For some reason it struck me as amusing that the last song I listened to on my iPod before pulling into the hotel was Rislim -Remix- :3

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. We looked around at the beautiful hotel, saw some capi baras (which are native to the region), flamingoes, peacocks, swans...lots of cool stuff. The capi baras are easily the weirdest and cutest, most vaguely squirrel-like things ever though haha. I wanted to pet one ;-;

We went to grab some food at like 4:30 but it was really bad or undercooked. But hey, at least I was drinking, and I was pretty much on an unlimited tab since the resort was all-inclusive :D

Got more food later on that was uh...better. Tried a Mexican Coffee, which was I guess coffee, some sort of liquer, cinnamon, and fucking tequilla LIT ON FIRE. Until you're seen someone take a ladel, fill it with tequilla, light it on fire, and them pour the flaming liquid into a cup, you have not seen cool. As far as coffee goes, it actually tasted pretty good, and the stuff was really potent, so it proceeded to get me more stupid quickly.

Right after we ended up stopping at some Mayan show thing where more drinking took place before I decided to check out the dance at 10:30. They have them every night, but seeing it was a Saturday, I was hoping for a bit of excitment. It took a while for people to show up, but it got kickin pretty quickly. As usual at these kinda things, I am usually way shy to go up and talk to people. But with a combination of alcohol and my "fuck it" attitude, I did end up opening up to a few people. Then more people. Then, virtually every guy in the discoteque/bar.

A lot of what happened is a blur, honestly. I remember talking to a lot of people and a lot of them being really cool, and I had a great time. People were getting me drinks left and right even though I was protesting that I was drunk enough, half-laughing and half-whimpering. Really it WAS quite fun, haha, I had never been treated with such hospitality before. So I'm hanging with all these youngish guys from around 14-21 or so. The ones younger than 18 were still getting drinks cause I guess it was really easy to get around here. Myself, being 20, I didn't have to worry about such things, and it was pretty cool.

Anyway.

I remember at some point, after being totally thrashed and after reaching what I perceived to be my limit, I had the urge to go dance it off, and while I was, they played some awesome techno-y song I can't recall for the life of me. But, shit, I was just going nuts of the dance floor, just relaxing and letting my body glide left and right...it was really just a lot a fun, and I was getting into it rather than forcing it...which is really the only way I can dance, really. And some point these two girls came over....well...one of them was dragging the other one over. The one girl was like "Hey I saw your awesome dancing" or something like that and "My friend wants to meet you" I kinda covered my face a little in shyness and surprize, but ended up following them, but I guess they forgot, so I just shrugged and kept on dancing. Anyway, that song ended and then played Electric Slide. I gradually slid (hurrrr) to a halt in my energetic momentum and was like "Aight, fuck this" and went to go talk with more of the guys there.

All the while I kept wondering why a good handful of them looked so...well...gay.

A few shots later I start TELLING these guys, who have deemed me as cool already, that I was gay. Lucky for me they were fine with it, and one of them was even like, "Hey, I know this kid, you should talk to him." Unfortunately, he kind of screwed up both his name and his orientation, but whatever. So I started talking to him.

His name was James. He was from England, very cute, VERY affectionate, but--alas--straight. Not like it made any difference.

We started talking. It was really kind of natural and only the first few parts of dialogue seemed forced. He seemed really bummed out at first cause, while on vacation her, he met a girl who lives in Mexico, fell in love with her, "hooked up" (fucked her :V), and now he has to leave for England tomorrow...or technically, later this morning. One of the first things he said to me after I had introduced himself was, "I really like you hair..." with a deep amount of emphasis as if to mean something more than most people who commented on my hair. And then, without warning, he reached a hand over and began to run his fingers through it. Keeping in mind I didn't even introduce myself as gay or find out if he was or whatever, so the whole thing really just surprized me to the point where it was...uhm...REALLY arousing. That was the first time he got me, I guess.. ^^;;

What really touched me most with this kid though is that, he was the same age as me, and he shared a lot in common with me as far as personality-wise. He was very eager to fall in love, very affectionate with members of both sexes, very emotional, and not always in total control of said emotions. Given, he kinda reminded me of myself like maybe a year ago, before adding all the crappy relationships and hookups I've had.

I won't go into detail what I told him. I simply told him what I knew, and that, while I know it was hard, he had to move on and think about the future. Like I said, we talked for a while. At least an hour or maybe even two. But every once in a while he would pull me over in the soft, friendly hug that, for some reason, felt really intimate and loving, and it kind of made me shiver each time. Like, he hugged me once while I was in the middle of a sentence, and I kinda cut myself off mid-word and found myself just closing my eyes and enjoying it. It had been a while since I had felt physical manifestation of emotion like that before.

Maybe it was because I was drunk. I found my eyes watering up quite a bit as I listened to his story and talked to him, even though I was smiling and laughing, genuinely happy. It was just my empathy for him I guess, and my excitement at having found someone so similar to me, even if I may never see him again in person after tonight.

However, now that I reflect upon this, I can see the direct paralell between James and his girl he met, and myself and James. Obviously one is more developed than the other but...I still felt a strong connection to him that even now I can't break myself free of. However, even accepting the fact that I may never see him again, I am filled with a warm sense of affection and longing that trancends sexual orientation, boyfriends, girlfriends, or anything else.


I really want that to be the end of my journal entry, cause it ends on such a poetic note...but I realize I just rambled off there for a bit, haha. I also forgot to mention that right before I left back for my hotel room and gave James a close hug (awwww~) this other kid I had JUST met before leaving, Jesse, had commented on my dancing, saying it was really cool, or really awesome or something, "I mean you're just out there moving around and you're got the headphones and stuff...it was totally cool." I laughed. I guess I have some reason to come back to the club now, provided I get a ton on alcohol in me and they play some decent, danceable music.



...actually that's a good ending for this journal too. Much better than "holy shit I typed way too much and now it's 3:23AM and I need to freakin sleep."

More stories tomorrow, hopefully.

Current Mood: Elated
Current Music: My brother breathing.
Apr. 8th, 2007 @ 04:55 pm
» GRANNY PANTIES
GRANNY PANTIES
Mar. 28th, 2007 @ 12:35 am
» (No Subject)
I just woke up from my mid day nap. I'm going to eat some food, meet with my writing teacher, go to the Radio meeting, and then probably get some work done.

Of course, putting on pants is a first priority.
Mar. 27th, 2007 @ 04:31 pm
» Obligatory subject with the word FUCK in it
So much work to do. It's 3AM, I'm chatting with Taridium, thinking about what possibly may happen when I go back to NJ for break...

But I can't even focus on that now because I have...a LOT to read for tomorrow and my quiz on Thursday and then my flight I need to catch that same evening ugh D:

On the bright side I have a shit ton of music I have to listen to now.

http://www.deadlyproductionsrecords.com/MP3/index.html
Enjoy some Speedcore/Terrorcore

So I have a few scattered thoughts in my head.

Am I gonna meet anyone interesting while home on break? Will there be any kind of romantic involvement besides sex? I need money. I can't wait to get my chipped PS2 in the mail. IIDX is fun. Started Pop'n again. 8 on the Break is supposed to get DistorteD soon, that'll be pretty sick.

I need to finish the story I wrote for Lando. I also have a few books I want to read. Shit, I need to go to the library too and copy those article for the paper due after break. I need to slow down. If more places had Vitamin Water I would just about give up drinking soda.

Uhhhh...

Really looking forward to going to Bemanifest in the summer if I can get there. I really hope Mordecai goes there as well. Oh the things I would do to that boy...

And then AnthroCon a week after that, and then FA United like a month later or something. Given, that's all a ways off, but I keep thinking about it. I should really write more regularly anyway, whether it's here in my journal or in some kind of analog throwaway journal where I can get all my private thoughts out on paper and then tuck them away for no one to ever see. Cause that's what writers are supposed to do, right? :V

I know you Internet types can't read for too long without a picture so here ya go.



Moving on.

Renard's music is amazing. Go download it.

I could fucking ramble on and on and on until there was absolutely nothing left in my head, but something tells me I need to return to my work. I can read for another hour or so and still get 8 hours of sleep for my long day ahead. Hopefully it's enough if I can focus. Otherwise, I will just pump my body full of caffiene to get through the day.

So yeah I guess that's it.

Sheesh, does anyone still read this thing?

Someone needs to come over and fuck me! D:
Feb. 21st, 2007 @ 03:03 am
» Tonight and Forever
To make a long story short, I've come to realize that weird shit happens when I'm around Dylan. Several things have happened like once or twice that were kind of weird or unusual. I was freaked out at the time and kinda thought it meant something at first, but now, after like the 3rd or 4th time...I dunno. I'm starting to susspect it's not really coincidence anymore. Also, tonight was different somehow. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

I guess it started last night, Saturday night, when we were all out bowling for Michelle's birthday party. Had an awesome time, whatever, whatever. We were supposed to do some drinking I guess before bowling, but me and Dylan just ended up hanging in his room and drinking together, splitting a 6-pack of Mike's. I had about 4 drinks in like under an hour, and I was fucking GONE. I ended up having an amazing time and really connecting with Dylan. And life was just...good. I felt like things were heading in the right direction.

I had stayed up until 8AM that night/day, and ended up waking myself up at 2PM, getting about 5 hours of sleep. Me and Dylan were planning on going to Montpellier. Mostly, I really wanted to see Mik, spend some time with him, cuddle, whatever...

We get there, everything is awesome, Mik introduces me to PsyRaccoon, a really awesome emo/goth kid who just seemed really cool. Like, the kind of guy I could really become friends with. Also, he was fucking hot. Mik seemed really happy to see me. We went to Mik's new place, where I met the rest of the gang, including Eric. Between Eric, Mik, and Psy, I was kind of going crazy. All three of them were like...extremely hot and I just kind of wanted to let go of my inhibitions and start flirting or whatever, even though I knew it would be a bad idea. The temptation was just like...really strong. Especially with all the playful groping and fondling that went on. Looking back, it's probably a good idea I didn't get too forward with them, since both Psy and Eric were taken, and they hardly knew me to begin with.

Anyway...typical shit went down during the evening. Adventures towards McDonalds, a random expedition to Burlington where we hung out and stole shit from Spencer's...y'know. Typical gutter punk stuff. There was one point where we got to the Waterfront where the rest of the evening kinda changed. I was kind of getting more and more anxious for attention and feeling kinda left out. I wasn't complaing or expecting for something to just HAPPEN, but it was something in the back of my mind that kinda bugged me. It was suddenly very quiet, with the only sound coming from the waves of Lake Champlain slowly lapping against the rocks. Dylan had later told me that it was kind of like the sensation of being relaxed, or being in love. I was certainly relaxed, but I also felt depressed, because I was filled with this overwhelming feeling of love...but having no one to neccessarily direct this energy towards. So I felt kind of alone. Eventually, we found more stupid shit to do which was fun and ended up taking my mind off of such trivial things more, like climbing statues and structures and stuff and jumping off of them. There was also this little thing where I put my green goggles over my eyes, wrapped my scarf around my face, and started running off, yelling, "TO THE ZEPPELIN!" It was comedic gold, seriously. I plan on doing that a lot more.

At some point we decided to get pizza. I was really fucking hungry and kind of having a pizza craving. Just like when I had payed for everyone's McDonald's meal only a few hours before, I told them kind of half-kidding that they owed me, being rather suggestive with what I considered to be payback.
While both Mik and Psy were off going to the bathroom or whatever, I talked with Dylan. I explained to him I was still really nervous around Mik, even though i really had no reason to be since he was pretty much comfortable with everything about me. I was anxious to cuddle and be close to him, but still felt awkward about...asking for it plainly. Dylan just kind of grinned at me, "You like him don't you?"
I sighed, "Yeah, I kind of do."
"So go out with him..."
"Well..." I explained I just couldn't. Even though I had known him for over a year, I still didn't really know him, inside and out. He was still a mystery to me. It seemed like I would really need to work a bit harder and be able to communicate with him more before making any kind of serious consideration like that. It was a brief conversation that happened, since they had both returned rather quickly. I thought about it for quite a while afterwards as I ate my pepperoni pizza, "Oh my fucking God, this is delicious!"

Eventually, we started driving back to Mik's place. There was a little bit of concern along the way since Mik happened to be driving my car pretty fast (close to 100MPH) even though the Check Engine light was on for some reason. Something kinda nagged in the back of my brain that made me worry or think that he might be seriously fucking up my car or putting us in danger. But I put those feelings aside for now.

We got back to Mik's house. "Finally!" I thought. I was kind of hoping and kind of expecting something to happen, knowing that I just had to be assertive enough to make it happen. We were probably standing in the house (with everyone else there) for like 5 or 10 minutes before I asked Mik, very clumsily and awkwardly blurting out, "So Mik! Uh...we should totally cuddle for a bit before I head back to college." Mik didn't even give me a weird look or anything. He just said, "Alright. I'll be on the couch in a minute." And of course, I played it really cool, and did as he said. As usual, Mik was kind of his same, gruff self that had the painted-on appearance of not really caring, even though I both knew we wanted this. It was just a matter of one of us being needy enough to take the initiative and strike first.

As soon as I sat next to him on the couch and felt him put his arm around me, I knew everything was just...good. I could feel myself melting against him as his strong, work-hardened hands caressed my wanting, aching body, trying to hold back any audible gasps or moans since we were kind of doing this in a fairly public setting. I can almost guarantee that, initially, I was probably blushing like...a lot at the sensation of being touched like this in what felt like an eternity. I honestly didn't care what the others thought of me, okay? This was really fucking important to me. It carried on for a bit, and it obviously didn't get TOO involved since we were still in a public room and...well...extended outright groping is kinda a rude thing to do in a friend's place you've never really been before. I didn't know Psy or Eric or anyone else until that night. I just knew Mik and Dylan. There might have been one or two moments where the forwardness or unusual tenderness of Mik's touch kind of surprized me, and I might have let out a soft squeak or something, but I doubt anyone noticed, or much less cared. I did feel him rubbing against my nipple a bit through my clothes, which kind of got me worked up a bit...but like I said, that's about as far as it got, you know?

Something happened along the way where it became more casual and relaxed and not as involving. The whole time I was just sitting on the couch next to Mik, leaning against him a little, while I, myself, was hardly doing anything. I would have loved to but...the positioning of it made it hard to touch at Mik at all really. I could only assume he was enjoying it much as I was. Moving on from there, we decided to have a retarded little war with our laptops. Both me and Dylan have Apple laptops, which have a built-in speech function with TextEdit. So Mik, using my laptop, and Dylan, using his own, were just typing funny or obscene or rediculous things and having the computer speak them to each other.(2) For me, it was funny at first, but quickly became old and annoying, and I kind of wanted to continue cuddling with Mik while I still had the time. But, I figured, I got enough action. I should let the boys have their bit of juvenile fun for the night.

Before we left, Mik gave me a big, warm hug.(1) He reminded me (as he had throughout the night) that me, Mik, and Psy all needed to meet up on Friday night next week so we could all do a radio show. Mik had also hinted earlier that he wanted to bring Psy along and very strongly hinted that he wanted to share a bed with me. I swear, that must have made me blush when he had said that. The point is that we finally got to spend some quality time together without any real drama or roadblocks along the way, and this was the first step towards something.

This is the kind of shit me and Dylan talked about along the way home from Montpellier. I don't know what it is exactly, but me and Dylan have this kind of weird synergy together, and we just really get along and understand each other. I had kind of known this, but I was only recently able to re-affirm this fact when we were hanging out and drinking the other night, and I had revealed some pretty personal shit to Dylan, explaining my reasoning behind it, and he completely agreed with me. We're clearly two different people but...he's like one of the only people I know who really gets me. I know it sounds kinda weird and hard to understand, but trust me here.

Before we had started to make the trip home, Dylan told me about a weird dream he had, basically saying that he knew Psy and Eric...like saw them in the dream before even meeting them. And that, roughly, things would turn out almost exactly the way they did. It's kind of hard to explain, but it was weird. He had also said that he had the feeling it was going to snow. Almost like it SHOULD snow.

Sure enough, minutes later, it did.

But anyway, we talked about a lot of stuff during the trip. My own personal victories. The fact that, yes, maybe I was in love with Mik, and reasoning why I didn't think "going out" with him right now would be the greatest idea. I said I needed to get inside his head more. It was a really involving, emotional discussion, and I did start crying for a bit, and I felt my voice quivering. I felt stupid at the fact I was crying, but I couldn't help it, I was just so happy. The tears were all my pent-up frustrations slowly leaving me, and I felt purged. Finally I said "Fuck it. My voice is tired and I want to listen to music." I turned my iPod back on, cranked the volume, and blasted my super happy eurobeat techno shit as loud as I could, singing as loud as I could stand, going through the kind of mixed agressive frustration and working through and purging that of myself until there was nothing but happiness. The song ended. "Fuck!!" I let out loudly, "That was...fucking awesome!" The music continued, and it was one great track after another. I was starting to notice that the snow was falling heavier and heavier, becoming more intense. The once-black roads were now a pure white, and it was getting harder to see. I was getting a little concerned, but I knew if I just focused and didn't take my eyes off the road, I'd be alright. The hypnotic vision of the snow hurtling towards me like a vortex was surreal, and I had to struggle to not look directly into it. At some point I heard my radio fucking up. There was a little bit of buzzing during one of the other songs. See, it was a pretty normal thing, because my cell phone sometimes causes interference with the radio when it's changing service areas or receiving a phone call or text message. A few more songs played, and we got nearer to a familiar Yield sign.

...wait a minute.

Were we in Morrisville already?!

This was fucking weird. The trip literally felt like it was 10 or 15 minutes long when it should have been twice that. Me and Dylan went back and forth. I had slowed down to 40MPH instead of my usual 60 or 70. 50MPH speed limit. We didn't really drive through the "bad" part of the roads where the the weather is most severe. The first "rational" explanation either of us had was that some kind of divine being had interceded and made the trip shorter for us so that we wouldn't get into a crash or something. I know it sounds kind of hokey and weird...I'm not trying to get you to believe me. I know I can't back this up with any evidence, but Dylan pretty much told me that nothing about this trip made any fucking sense. There was nothing logical about any of this! Then, Dylan said, "Remember when the radio was being weird because of your phone?"
"Yeah."
"Think about it. It happened just around the time when the weather was getting bad. Something happened."
I felt my jaw just drop. Everything I had known or expected of this world...every rational thought or idea had been turned upside-fucking-down! I could feel myself shaking as I let out an intense, almost frightened shout. This was WAY too fucking weird for me. I didn't know what to make of it. I could hardly bring myself to even analyse this further. I just knew it was weird. What I was piecing together, though, was that real or not, this was supposed to mean something.
Weird shit has happened with me and Dylan before, I mentioned that...but never like this. Never has it involved life or death. We were literally saved by something, and I was already telling myself that, when I got back, I had to write all of this down.
As we passed the big intersection leading to the last part of VT-15, which would take us home to campus, we let out a sigh of a relief. In a matter of 7 or 8 minutes, we would be home. But the weirdness wasn't over yet. It was still snowing pretty hard, and I kept the car at an unusually slow-for-me 40MPH. After about 20 minutes of driving, we knew something was up again. Why did the more challenging, unfamiliar terrain back along the way to Morrisville seem so brief? And why was the easier, more familiar road to Johnson suddenly longer? It seemed as if the trip had been displaced so that, while the trip was the same amount of time it should have been, a large stretch of road had just been displaced in distance for us. Both me and Dylan felt pretty much the same way. There were no other cars on the road we were on, heading towards Morrisville. Not too unusual, since it was 2AM, and during a snowstorm...but something to point out. We did pass two trucks on the way toward Johnson though, with the first one almost hitting us. It felt like...only a few inches away when we passed it. It was kind of frightening.
Finally, I saw the 35MPH sign going along the last part of that windy road leading towards campus. We were almost there, and I was starting to relax more and more. Then, almost as suddenly as I had let my guard down, I turned the wheel, feeling the car slipping out from beneath me. I started to scream, but held it back, feeling my car swerving left and right along the road, wrestling with the steering wheel and breaks in a desperate attempt to stabalize myself. We finally stopped along the right side of the road without hitting anything. "Holy fuck!" I let out, my heart definitely beating faster at the close call. No sooner had I said that than when I heard my phone beep and vibrate in my pocket, telling me I had a new text message, jokingly saying that God was trying to get back in touch with me again. It was a forwarded IM from Ardy, an online friend of mine, who had just sent a garbled message, most likely just messing around on the keyboard. I thought nothing of it, and continued along SLOWLY the last mile or so to the campus parking lot.

Me and Dylan stayed in the car for a while, just reflecting on everything, taking things very slowly. Neither of us knew what the fuck had happened that night, but it was something important and incredible. Something with dealing with life and death, here. I was starting to put the pieces together of everything...that I needed to write this down. That this is the first chapter to the story of my life. And that the rest of the book would eventually just happen and come into play. If I took this first step, the rest of the book would write itself. It was very symbolic of the first few steps I had made in socializing with Dylan more, talking with him more, and making the deep, meaningful connection with Mik. This was it. This was me taking the first step in taking control of my fucking life.

As we headed back to the dorms, Dylan told me he had seen a raccoon run across him. I laughed, "Are you sure?" we spent a few minutes looking at the tracks, trying to figure out what the hell it was. It would have been kind of funny and ironic...maybe even symbolic if it indeed WAS a raccoon...but I didn't think it was important. Not at the time. We headed back towards the dorms together, as I muttered to myself the same mantra I had repeated over and over that night.

"Holy fucking shit, dude...holy fucking shit."

(Mik gave Dylan a hug. Unusual for him.)
(typing back and forth about the angels and shit)
Dec. 11th, 2006 @ 01:32 am

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